Summarizing a Father’s Role
In my exposure to the literature about a father’s involvement in the home, some of the most important aspects that stood out to me weren’t necessarily the parenting methods that were used, the amount of time that is spent individually with each child or the way in which conflict is resolved but it was more the state of the father’s heart and mind as he fulfills his role of a father. You can have two fathers that carry out their days in exactly the same way but one might do so begrudgingly and the other with a more positive attitude. The way that the family interacts with the father will vary based off of the father’s attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Merely “doing” and going through the motions is not enough.
Overall, I believe that a father should provide for his household for monetary, spiritual, educational, and other necessities such as shelter or emotional support. Along with providing, fathers should preside within their homes and be an authority figure that works alongside his wife to create a home with warmth, love, and direction for their children. Father’s should also be actively involved in protecting the home and the members of his family. Physical protection is a part of this but protection also includes being involved enough to know who a child’s friends are and the influence that they have over the child, the amount of screen time that a child is exposed to and the content of the media that is being viewed. Protection also comes in the form of spiritual protection and ensuring that the family isn’t exposed to influences or experiences that could harm their spiritual well being or limit or decrease their spiritual well being.
Fathers have a huge impact on their families. Children look up to their fathers and often pattern their futures based off of the homes that they grew up in. Young boys typically grow up to have many of the same characteristics and habits of family relations as their fathers do. This incorporates the good as well as the bad. A young boy that grows up in a home where mothers are respected and love is expressed will expect the same for their future families. Children that grow up in abusive or hostile homes will often carry these practices into their own families. Young girls also take notice of the things that their father’s do. Many young girls often marry a man that has many of the same characteristics as her father did. Taking into account that each individual and family is different, it may not be possible or practical for the father to assume all of these responsibilities and there may be some sharing or switching of responsibility between the mother and the father for the family to find the right balance that would work best for them.
Remembering My Father
Although my own father passed away the summer before my senior year of High School, I feel that we had a unique opportunity to grow closer together in the years before his passing. Unlike some instances of the early death of a parent, my father wasn’t sick and we had no preparation before his death but I feel as if in some ways we were prepared. The few years before this time, my father was really making some changes in his life that impacted our family quite a bit. He was making an effort to be more involved at church and becoming less involved in other areas. This change was a big step for our family. We began to spend more quality time together and to look forward to those opportunities. We don’t know what brought about this change. Maybe my parents started to realize that my older sister and I would soon be leaving home or maybe my father was going through some kind of midlife crisis – either way we’ve all been grateful for that change.
I think that some of the most impactful moments of the time that were moments that we had to spend just one on one together. My dad became a very important person in my life instead of “just a parent.” My father became a confidant and a source of encouragement to me. We could talk for hours about the things that were troubling me and he would listen and provide feedback when I wanted it. I don’t remember very many of the things that he said but I do remember that I felt safe when I talked to my dad and that it meant a great deal to me that he would take the time out of his busy schedule to just listen to all of the things that were important to me at the time but probably didn’t matter much to him. He just always seemed to be very supportive of me and the decisions that I was making in my life.
Overall, I feel that I was most impacted by my father when I could or couldn’t recognize his love for me. I seem to remember the high points when I could feel and identify moments when I knew that my father loved me. However, I also feel that I seem to remember the low points when I couldn’t feel my father’s love for me and when our relationship struggled. I’ve always been one who seeks after the approval and recognition of loved ones and I think that this is a major contributing factor into the relationship that I had with my father.
Future Family
Taking into account that I have highlighted only a few interactions between myself and my father from the seventeen years that I had to spend with him, I have used these experiences and many others as well as literature and research that I have been exposed to in order to set some expectations for my own husband in how he interacts with our children. I feel that the more involved and equal the relationship between husband and wife the more open and constructive the family relationship can be. My husband and I have talked about this and we have set the goal of having a weekly date, even when we have children. We realize that this might not always be possible or easy to accomplish but it is something that we are striving for because we feel that when mom and dad are united the family is more united and the household runs more smoothly.
Additional fathering expectations that we have set for our future family is the incorporation of daddy daughter or daddy son outings and keep regular interviews with our children beginning when they are young. We recognize that this could create a lot of scheduling conflict for my husband but we want our children to be able to have time to spend with our children individually and be in the situation where he can help them through their struggles or experience their triumphs just as much as a mother who witnesses the smiles or tears when children come home from school or play groups. We’ve also discussed the important aspect of family support for each child’s interest. We will strive to attend, as a family, sporting events or performances of all of our children and be available to encourage them and support them in their talents and activities.
Although the expectations that I have presented are very important to my husband and I, we also have the expectation that a father, as well as a mother, will live their personal lives in such a way that they will be living in accordance of the gospel teachings so that they can have the influence and guidance of the Holy Ghost. We feel this to be a very important part of parenting. We may not always have the right answers or even know where to begin with trying to find the right answers but by living close to the Spirit and by following the promptings received we believe that we will be able to make the decisions that will be best for our children and our family.
As a mother, helping my husband to achieve these goals and meet these expectations as a father as well as finding balance between work and home life I will have to make sure that I am supporting my husband and encouraging him to take an active role in the lives of our children. I can do this by ensuring that our family schedule isn’t overrun with appointments and activities so that dad has time to spend with the kids and that he won’t be rushing from one thing to the next all of the time. Another thing that I can do to help my husband is to realize that he’s not going to be a perfect father, and I’m not going to be a perfect mother. We’re going to make mistakes and it is going to get messy sometimes but if we take those experiences as learning experiences and help each other along the way then we will be able to continually improve and grow as parents.
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